By James D. Veltmeyer
With the next set of debates by Democratic presidential candidates set for July 30 and 31 in Detroit, here’s an imaginary transcript from a Republican point of view—with tongue only slightly in cheek
Castro: All future presidential debates should be conducted in Spanish.
Beto: Si, si, senor
Warren: And we need a federal program to fund interpreters for the English-speaking.
De Blasio: English should no longer be taught in American schools. It is a colonialist, racist language.
Biden: Where am I? Who am I?
Harris: You are the front man for the Southern segregationists who wanted me in chains.
Biden: Am I? I’m sorry. But I want abortion for everyone. Does that help?
Booker: Not unless you want it federally funded for all undocumented migrants, including those that are transgendered.
Biden: Is this where I raise my hand?
Sanders: Can’t I get a word in here? We need to tax the 1% at 90% or more to fund free universal education from pre-school through graduate school, including at all Ivy League institutions.
Buttigieg: I went to an Ivy League college, I think.
Harris: Just because the former vice president wants free abortions for everyone doesn’t mean he has repudiated his racist past.
De Blasio: Are we talking abortion now? I want party-selective abortions, only the fetuses of Republican parents.
Beto: Yes, but one parent can be No Party Preference as long as the other one is Republican.
Warren: We need economic justice in this country. Free month-long vacations on a Carnival cruise for all Americans earning less than $100,000. We will pay for it with a wealth tax on everyone earning more than $100,000.
Sanders: I wish I had thought of that.
Castro: Migrants are America’s future. They must be treated properly. I propose a new tax to pay for Hyatt Hotel stays for everyone who crosses a border that shouldn’t exist in the first place.
Biden: Now, Julian, that’s going a little too far. Wouldn’t a Red Roof Inn suffice?
Harris: Once again, Mr. Biden is showing his racist streak, suggesting that the inferior migrants don’t deserve a Hyatt Hotel stay.
Klobuchar: I’m from Minnesota.
Biden: Isn’t that where Mary Tyler Moore was always losing her hat?
Beto: You see how ancient he is, he still remembers the Mary Tyler Moore show.
Buttigieg: Can we stop talking about age and instead how lovely it will be to have my husband be the First Lady?
Sanders: I don’t care about First Ladies. We need Medicare for All.
Biden: I think I’m already on Medicare.
Sanders: Well that makes two of us. But how about the other 300 million Americans?
Booker: What about them?
De Blasio: Most of them are racists. That’s how Trump got elected.
Biden: I thought the Russians elected him.
Beto: The Russians are racists too. How many African-Americans or Latinos are in Putin’s cabinet? None!
Castro: I’d like to be in a cabinet again.
Ryan: Puedo decir algo?
Harris: No, keep your mouth shut. You are a white male. You have no right to say anything!
Warren: Can we get back to the issues, please?
Biden: What are the issues?
Harris: The main issue is that the former vice president is opposed to busing.
Biden: This is true. I hate busing. Sometimes they don’t even have a restroom. I prefer a plane or train anytime.
Klobuchar: I’m from Minnesota.
Booker: I hate Minnesota. It is full of racist white Europeans. And it snows too much. And snow is white.
Biden: Did someone say Snow White? Is she here too?
Moderator: And on that curious note, we conclude the third Democratic presidential debate. For America’s sake, we hope there isn’t a fourth. Good night.
Dr. James Veltmeyer is a prominent La Jolla physician voted “Top Doctor” in San Diego County in 2012, 2014, 2016 and 2017. He was a Republican candidate for Congress in 2018. Veltmeyer can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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