It’s common to set new goals when the new year rolls around — especially for mothers who just want to improve their own parenting. We spoke to Erika Kyte, a licensed clinical social worker with Thriveworks, a mental health company offering in-person and online therapy services in San Diego. Kyte, who is also a mother, specializes in self-esteem, life transitions and relationships.
It’s common for people to want to improve themselves in the new year, especially mothers. What are some tips to keep in mind when listing the goals?
I do love a reset and Jan. 1 is certainly a popular day for them. I like to encourage my therapy clients and yoga students that a reset can also happen whenever needed, whether that’s once a week or once every five minutes. All it takes is a few slow deep breaths. That being said, the most popular standard for official goal-setting is the SMART acronym, which reminds us that success is a lot more likely when our goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Timebound. It’s the vague goals like “I want to be healthier/happier” that are quickly dropped halfway through January.
What is the most common problem with setting new goals?
The most common problem I see in my clients is that they haven’t yet identified what they want their ideal life to look like. What is their family structure, where do they work and what self do they want to be carrying through the world. I encourage them to set aside quiet time to look within and tap into their intuition, really visualize what their ideal life looks like. They can do this in session with a professional, through intentional discussions with trusted friends or by themselves through journaling or meditation.
What are ways to determine if goals are realistic?
It’s important to consider if any new activities will fit into yours and your family’s schedule and if they are sustainable for the long run. It can be challenging to find the time to dedicate to our individual well-being, but it can look like getting up 10 minutes earlier for some breathing exercises that set a calmer pace for the day, or using your commute to listen to enriching audiobooks, or figuring out childcare so you can get to that weekly hip hop class. It’s also important to ensure that all objectives of any goals are in your control. For example, if your goal is a more cohesive family, that takes buy-in from all members. If, instead, the goal you set is to personally bring more cohesive energy and communication to every/most/more family interactions, that is completely within your power.
Parenting is difficult! And it’s natural for mothers to want to improve their parenting skills. What’s important for mothers to remember when entering the new year?
I find it is often the case that mothers feel guilty or selfish for any time they spend on activities that benefit only themselves. I believe, however, that in a family we are each responsible for bringing our best selves to the table and that ultimately it benefits the entire unit. When parents invest time in their personal well-being, the renewed energy they bring to each interaction can only improve the whole family dynamic.
I recently heard a new perspective of failure, that could apply to goals and how we tend to beat ourselves up about abandoned New Year’s resolutions. FAIL= First Attempt In Learning. The idea is to give yourself some grace. Maybe you didn’t make it to the gym today, tomorrow is a new day. Maybe you had limited patience with your toddler this morning, this afternoon is a new opportunity to make different choices. Reset, reset, reset.
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San Diego Moms is published on Saturdays. Have a story idea? Email hoaq@timesofsandiego.com and follow her on Instagram at @hoawritessd.
