Cindy McCain, the widow of Arizona Sen. John McCain, told a San Diego conference on civility Wednesday that “one or two wrong moves” could lead to America winding up like Russia.
“I by no means say that’s going to happen,” she said in a 45-minute Zoom chat with Carl Luna, the Mesa College political science professor. “But we have to respect what is the decency of democracy.”
Never uttering the name Trump, McCain said: “Words matter. And words coming out of our leadership in this country” and other global chiefs could “wind up just as [Luna] said: Somebody pushing the button.”
The ever-quotable Luna said: “When things break down, you get civil wars. It’s all fun and games until you lose an eye or a democracy.”
But Luna, director of the Institute for Civil Civic Engagement, teased out McCain’s optimism for reversing social trends.
She said kindness being shown amid the COVID pandemic and knowledge of history give her hope.
“This is a lot like the pendulums that have occurred in the past,” said McCain, whose hashtag of choice is #ActsOfCivility. “I believe this is going to swing back to the civil society that we’ve had.”
McCain — who became the second annual recipient of the institute’s Civitas Victor Award (for community victorious) — said her own group, McCain Institute for International Leadership, liked to highlight heroes of civility.
She defines these as “people who don’t accept the norm [of] not being civil… The Golden Rule [applies] here in a very large way.”
Asked for an example of those mirroring her late husband, McCain cited GOP Sen. Mitt Romney of Utah.
“He’s been crucified for not joining a certain element of the party,” she said. “He wanted to work with other senators and was actually criticized for it. We should expect more from our leaders and we should demand it.”
It can start with just having lunch, she said at USD’s ninth annual conference on Restoring Civility to Civic Dialogue, which C-SPAN2 also aired.
“I would scold any leader that decided that, No. 1, they wouldn’t talk to another leader, but No. 2 decided …. they’re not going to have lunch with someone of a different party. It’s ridiculous,” she said. “And it’s unacceptable.”
Several times she returned to a theme — that empathy, kindness, respect and other signs of civility should be taught by parents and in schools.
“It starts in kindergarten,” McCain said. “[Tell] little boys to respect little girls” and vice versa.
She said that unless adults begin to act civilly and be good examples for children, “we’re going to lose a generation of people to a harsh reality … It starts at the very top for this.”
She defined civility broadly: “One tool in being a good person. … Civility is also about the honor of being an American.”
For his part, Luna defined civility as “that which brings communities together. … It’s uncivilized to be uncivil.”
McCain gave examples of both ends of the spectrum.
She recalled how her late husband, at a New Hampshire Town Hall during his 2008 run for president, took the microphone from a woman who referred to Barack Obama as an “Arab” she couldn’t trust.
“That moment made me respect him more than I had through the years,” said McCain, who married John McCain in 1980. But she erred in saying that “moment” was played “a hundred times around the country.” In fact, one YouTube video was viewed 1.3 million times.
0n the sordid end, McCain alluded to Donald Trump, during his 2016 campaign for president, saying of the former Vietnam POW: “He’s not a war hero. … I like people who weren’t captured.”
McCain said her husband was “verbally mishandled.”
“In no arena should that happen to anybody, let alone my husband,” she said. “We shouldn’t talk about people like that. We shouldn’t be accepting of people that talk [like] that.”
At the McCains’ own dinner table, she said, the family had “riotous” debates, representing “all angles.” But the patriarch demanded that: “You can disagree, but you may not be disrespectful and may not use any harsh language.”
She said it pained her husband to watch childish behavior, thinking: If we sit back and accept that, we’re not going to get anywhere.
“We’ve got to say in our head: I’m done with this. I’m going to make a difference now. I can do it one person at a time,” she said. “But I’m not going to take this anymore.”
Especially in Congress, she said.
“Our leaders should exhibit only the best behavior on any platform,” she said. “And we should demand that they work across the aisle.”
How to make this happen?
“Voting is very important in all of this,” said McCain, who last month endorsed Democrat Joe Biden but didn’t mention him by name Wednesday. “Secondly, we should reward good behavior.”
She made the point several times about members of Congress being the “biggest culprits” of uncivil behavior.
“We look to them for example,” McCain said. “We have the right to expect more from our leaders. And they need to hear from us — either from the ballot box or through email or whatever, saying just that: Enough of this.”
Luna asked: How do we break ourselves out of our silos and get those conversations more regularly with people you disagree with as once was done via clubs, churches and other institutions?
(Before the chat, a video tribute showed the late Rev. George Walker Smith, whose Catfish Club meetings prized such interactions while participants ate “really good catfish.”)
McCain said: “Reach out (like I have) and talk to people who are different from me. I actually like these discussions because I always learn from them. It simply starts one person, one at a time. And we grow from there.”
She concluded by re-stressing that she can’t and won’t lose hope.
“We’re better than that,” she said. “Hold people accountable who are cruel to people. And especially from our leaders. Let’s have a discussion, but let’s not do it on Twitter or on Facebook. Let’s talk face to face. … in some way.
“It takes much more energy to hate than to be civil and be kind.”
